Have you ever met someone that made you look up to God and ask "Why is loving this person so difficult?!" Lately, I've been asking that a lot. However, this time Jesus has made me aware of a few lessons He wants me to learn. So, in the hopes it makes your struggle a little less lonely and a little less rocky, I would like to share them with you.
Let me start by reiterating that I am not an expert, but someone who struggles to love when it doesn't come easy and gets easily frustrated. Nevertheless, I am determined to not give up, because I want to become the very best I can be, and I believe that version of me loves unconditionally. In that spirit, I'm here to tell you that your best self can also love unconditionally! After all, Jesus longs for us to live life to the fullest, and is there anything more fulfilling than unconditional love?
So let's get into it, and let's get real! Sometimes, loving certain people can feel like a heavy burden; thoughts that focus on a person's sins, vices or wounds may invade our minds and then we can become bitter, frustrated and resentful towards them. Now, I am not trying to guilt-trip you, but for the sake of awareness, take a look at the following list:
"Ugh, if only they weren't like this, I would totally..."
"They should just grow up!"
"Why are they so... (annoying, clingy, needy, horrible, toxic...)?"
"Why can't they...(be different)"
"Do they not see how difficult they are?"
"They don't try hard enough..."
"They just don't care, do they?"
"This person always does this! Why do I even try?"
"This person is such a..." (drag, jerk, mess, dead weight ... you name it!)
"What is wrong with this person?!"
"I'm so done with this person..."
"I am NOT going to deal with this person..."
This person is never going to change!"
"This person is a lost cause"
How many of these thoughts do you recognize in yourself? How do you feel about them? If you identify with all of them, you're not the only one, I wrote them because I've thought some version of them at some point. What's next, regardless of the number, is to grow in awareness that they're harmful and unhelpful.
The issue with all of these is that they come from a hopeless, judgemental, self-centred, typecasting attitude, and from what psychologists call the "fundamental attribution error". Simply put, we attribute the behaviours and actions which annoy us to the other's identity ("this is who they are"), while we attribute our short comings to external circumstances out of our control ("it's not my fault"). In addition, we tend to reduce their identity to these faults and look no deeper, nor do we consider the possibility that they could grow and change. Therefore, we think they're the problem, not us. But the truth is we carry some of the responsibility as well. Why? Well, because Jesus, who loves with a human heart, never had a problem loving anyone, no matter how much the others tried his patience. Likewise, those who are more mature and virtuous than us, can more easily respond with charity, mercy and patience.
We must fight the temptation to wash our hands and think "that person's weakness is his own problem, not mine". Here's the thing: Jesus carried our sins and everyone else's out of love, even though he was sinless. Likewise, Simon of Cyrene carried Jesus' Cross, even though it had nothing to do with him. In a very intimate way, this man shared in Jesus' Passion. Can you imagine the fruit it must have had in his life? Jesus is inviting us to share in His sacrificial love by "bearing with one another through love", as St Paul says in Ephesians 4:2, because IT'S GOOD FOR US.
Therefore, let's stop making excuses for ourselves and recognize "the plank in our own eye", as Jesus says in Matthew 7:3-5. They key is not taking the times when love comes easy as proof of our righteousness, because chances are that it has less to do with our own mastery of charity and more with theirs. In other words, we may feel like we're doing a stellar job, but the other person may be compensating for what we lack, by being merciful and patient with us. Love is a two way street after all. In contrast, when we're facing someone who isn't as mature, we feel that gap, and then our lack of mercy and patience is made evident.
Now, there are certain occasions when growing apart from someone is actually how we must love that person; I am not saying "stay with someone that only brings you harm, carry your cross at the expense of your well being", if there is abuse, there need to be strong boundaries. Quoting a friend, "we need to learn to strike a balance between the world’s idea of “you don’t have to deal with difficult people ever” and what we are called to as Christian’s, which is growing in the virtue of charity". A helpful question to ask is "Lord, how are you calling me to bear with this person?"
More than often, we are not dealing with abuse; rather, behind our struggle hides insecurity, such as the fear of feeling like a burden. In this case, I find that our reluctance to love those who burden us clashes against our desire to be loved, and from that springs the fear that others will give in to temptation and not love us, like we have sometimes. At the bottom of this is the lie that we are not worthy of unconditional love (and neither are others), which takes hold of us because we forget who we truly are.
St John of Kronstadt said:
"love every person despite of his sinful state. Sin is sin, but the basis of a human being is one and only - the image of God".
We think that our flaws make us undeserving of love, when in reality the Father carefully designed our weaknesses and allows our sins so that in them we can encounter His merciful love and realize that we need Him, and others. This helps us see Him and each other as Gifts, which in turn allows us to give and receive true love.
So, basically, when loving feels like a burden, let's start by thanking and praising God because we're being given an opportunity to grow in humility (aka. to realize who we truly are) and merciful love; let us look inward and get in touch with our own desire to feel loved, let's ask for the grace to be led by piety to see ourselves and this other person as a gift, and let's persevere, trusting that we are deeply loved in our littleness by our Father in Heaven.
Alas, if we fail, let us go back to the Lord's mercy, to be reminded that we are a gift and were made to love and for love, even if we're just learning to express it better. Then, let's take ownership by apologizing to the other person and let's try again. Slowly but surely, through Our Father's providence and His Holy Spirit's guidance, we shall grow in virtue, and then loving won't be so complicated.
But what about when we get hurt because we're on the receiving end of someone who failed to love us? Well, honestly... that's enough material for another blog post, which I will definitely get to, eventually, but I will leave you to ponder the following movie scene:
What would happen if we repeated the following words when someone hurts us, instead of the thoughts from that list at the beginning?
"They have stolen the heart from inside you, but this does not define you, this is not who you are...who you truly are" - Moana
This blog's prayer:
"Thank you Jesus because I am a lovable gift through my flaws, and so is the person I struggle to love."
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