¿"I'm not worthy that you should enter under my roof?" Confessions of a soul in need of mercy

While I was at Mass repeating these words in front of Jesus, my mind went back to the entire passage (Matthew 8:5-13), and I asked myself: "How did the centurion feel? Why didn't he let Jesus into his house?"

From my own frailty I realized that, in his place, I wouldn't have let Jesus go in out of fear that he would encounter my weaknesses. Or maybe Jesus I would've let in, because I am more or less aware that he loves me as I am but, when it comes to someone else, I don't have the same confidence. I've found myself wondering: "If he really knew me, could he love me? Wouldn't it be better if he loved someone else instead of me?"

Deep down, I assume that my wounds and weaknesses make me unworthy of the love of others who seem less "broken" than I am, and I feel the need to apologize in advance for any misfortune I may cause them. On the other hand, other people's faults towards me hurt and annoy me a lot, and I find it hard to react with love, patience and gentleness when, in my opinion, someone continuously acts out of weakness. Moreover, sometimes I prefer to distance myself and not share my heart, as if to say, "You are not worthy to come under MY roof..."

Doesn't sound very graceful, does it?

But the vicious circle does not end there because, when I become conscious, I repress myself for not loving others or myself, and then I go back to the beginning: "Who would want to love me? Wouldn't it be better for them to love other people?"

However, in his mercy, Jesus does not leave me alone when I feel pity or frustration for myself. By His grace, my mind is flooded with words that remind me of who I am, who He is and what I am called to:

"It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: "What I ask of you is mercy and not sacrifice". For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." - Matthew 9:12

"We are not the sum of our weaknesses or failures, we are the sum of the Father's love for us."- St. John Paul II

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may dwell in me" - 2 Corinthians 12:9.

"Behold, I make all things new..." - Revelation 25

We were created in the image and likeness of Love itself, which is not merely affection, attachment, attraction or pleasure, as the world paints it. God is faithful and always gives and receives totally in freedom, creating life. Therefore, to love and be loved as God loves is our raison d'être, our nature.

Yes, our wounds can be an obstacle to love, while our sins always are, but they will never rob us of our ability to love, for that we would have to cease to exist. In this, as in everything else, God has the final word. However, for him it is not enough that we exist, he wants us to have life in abundance! So he chose to give us the best antidote for a broken heart: Himself. Everything Jesus Christ does is to heal us, show us his love and teach us to love.

On the cross, Jesus shows us that loving with a wounded heart is not only possible, but that giving ourselves in our vulnerability is a great sign of love, even when the other person does not receive us as we would like (of course, it is important to be prudent and discern how much we can share from one moment to the next). On the other hand, when we always hide our wounds, it is as if we locked our heart in a box with a padlock, and then neither Jesus nor anyone else can access it.

Of course it is scary to be vulnerable, after all it means taking the risk of being hurt, but just as Jesus shows us that only through the Cross we reach the Resurrection and eternal life, by giving ourselves to others with all our wounds we can obtain something much greater than the security of not being hurt: peace, joy, freedom, self-confidence, a much deeper, authentic and lasting love and to be the best version of ourselves. Don't you want this life?

If so, you can start by telling Jesus out loud:

""Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, for you are God and I am a little creature, but you died for me to secure my dignity. So come into my heart, heal me! Here are my wounds, my insecurities and my sins. I want to trust that one Word from you will be enough to heal me. Amen."

Finally, to reinforce these words, I invite you to spend some time this week in front of Him, in adoration of His Blessed Sacrament, with the quote that you liked the most, so that in silence Jesus may penetrate your heart and show you how He wants to make you new.